truth.

i'm having an angry day... just needed to vent. *exhale*

thursday was a crazy day. i won $500. in cash. seriously! insanity. i'm pretty sure i have no luck left in my life.

i was perusing my usual fashion sites that make me sad and depressed. i miss seeing street fashion and wearing something that isn't the same boring pair of jeans and t shirts. i also realized that european women are all about playing with volume. i think american women (me included) are stuck in this "the closer the fit, the better" idea, and we limit ourselves. now, i just need a shit load of money (my winnings are already allocated to my mcat class :| )

so i kind of decided i'm going to nyc for memorial day. the original plan was to go camping with some friends down here, but its all drama and i'm kind of over it. i'm really over boy drama, and i don't really understand girls who seem to enjoy it.

that and i need to get drunk and see some attractive people for fucks sake!

after being swamped for the past couple of weeks, i thought i'd have a breather, so i came home at 6 pm tonite, and i've done little more than sit around. tomorrow its back to the real world unfortunately.

as i sat around, overwhelmed by ennui, i thought to look for my old europe pictures. just a whim. turns out exactly 6 years ago, i was frolicking around paris. it made me feel a little old, a little sad, and a little...boring.

*sigh* i wish i could sleep. and forget. forgetting is a gift.

i just applied for a job. i'm almost certain i will never hear from them, but i'm a little scared i will. the job would be incredible. amazing... but... it scared me to death. i'm already so emotionally invested in this job that i have no chance of ever getting! urg...

i feel bad for anyone who has to deal with me today.

i have just finished yelling at someone who did nothing but her job :( i'm that terrible person. urg. granted the company she works for is a peice of shit that fucked up every time i have to do anything with them but that's not her fault. its also not her fault that they're fucking morons who fucked up my shit yet again! (grrrrrr.)

i think my car may finally be fixed. maybe. i hope so because it is pretty scary to drive a car that feels like its going to break down at every stop light. i also yelled at the service center guy today. now he did deserve it. so i don't really feel bad about that, but i did yell at him...

i also yelled at about 394879387493879837 morons out on the roads today. holy fucking shit! its like every idiot who can't drive a car was out on the roads. i dont know about driving in maine, but last time i checked, when i have a green arrow, i'm allowed to make a left hand turn from the left turn lane. apparently the shithead who almost wrecked into me didn't think that was the case b/c not only did he almost fucking hit me, but he then flicked me off like it was my fault? really shithead? and that was just one example. there were oh so many more. now i don't  usually wish people ill, but today, i wished something horrible on more than a few people.

summary: today was a shitty day. and i hope it ends soon b/c i really don't like being evil and angry  D:<

once again i am meeting 2 am wide awake after a measly 2 hours of sleep. this time i have my obnoxious old lady cat to thank for waking me up. i knew sleep was going to be an issue tonite, but i figured if it was uninterrupted, i would be ok. the problem is not usually falling asleep, its going back to sleep once i wake up. and alas, my prophecy came through.

i feel like i atrociously bombed both my tests today. i'm really disappointed by both, since i do feel like i have been putting a significant of effort into both classes. i'm lost as to what i am doing wrong. as is to be predicted, questions from the tests and my incorrect answers are floating through my head making sleep impossible. i also forgot my recorder in my class on monday. of course, my brain thinks 2 am is an appropriate time to try and figure out what to do if it isn't in my classroom when i get there tomorrow (by the time i noticed i had forgotten it, i was already at work  60 miles away). worrying about it tomorrow or at least worrying about it when i know its actually gone, is apparently not an option. neither is not rehashing and reanalyzing and replanning every step of the experiment i have to complete tomorrow in lab. apparently i have to worry about the TLC plates i need to get done right now. never mind i already know what i need to do, apparently i need to worry about it and go over it thousands of times unconciously first.

on the other hand, i did quite well on my orgo test. ill feel much better once grades are officially posted, but unofficially, i did well which is reassuring since i had done so poorly on the first test. i'm still not sure how i managed to be so unprepared for the first test, but alas, whats done is done. now i just need to match or better my results on my next test in order to have even a shot at an A. several factors are in my favor, so i just need to work hard at it.

spring break is next week! i wish i could say i am planning on doing something exciting, but i plan on working all week. i am actually excited about it since i am so short on money. in fact, its awesome how in the hole i am. i make about $150 a week. i spend about $125 a week on gas. i also need to make payments of approximately $300-500 a month on my credit cards in order to stay afloat. i only use the credit cards for big stuff: school payments, books, health insurance, etc. of course, there are also additional expenses like food, car maintenance, assorted necessities. in essence, i am in the red about what i make a month. its amazing i can sleep at all...

alright alright, i'm going to try to find something to do that will bore me so much, i'll be able to fall asleep again. wish me luck!

its currently 1:35. i have now been awake for 35 minutes. considering i went to bed at midnight, this is a poor sign as to how my night is faring. i am usually much more effective at turning my brain off, but for some reason tonight, i am really sucking at it.

now i'm caught in a conundrum. do i do something productive with this time or try to force the off switch?

i just spent 8 hours studying in the library. i'm still a day behind. and yet, all i can think about it katekyo hitman reborn... its consuming my life. i still have 100 chapters to catch up on. what is with me and obsessing over overly long shounen stories? i just can't help it. i love 8018 so much :(

i haven't written here in months... i don't even check my friends page anymore. i feel like i've abandoned an old friend. i've had this lj since i was a senior in high school. i'm such a different person than i was then. perhaps more frightening is how similar i am.

i just woke up from what i would consider a nightmare. its been the third night in a row.  i am not chased or scared; i'm sad. the dreams have all be deeply warped nostalgic visits to my past. i have never been one to hold back my dislike of living in florida or my desire to live elsewhere, but for some reason, those feeling have welled up so strongly lately that i keep dreaming about it. it leaves me feeling sad, anxious, and uncomfortable.

this semester is starting quite poorly. in fact, this is probably my worst start ever. i'm at a loss as to why. the classes i am taking are not markedly more difficult than any others i've taken in the past. my work load is not that much more than it has been in the past either. and yet here i stand at the brink of thinking that i may have to repeat a class this summer. however, its still early, and i'm not giving up quite yet. regardless, its been taking an emotional toll. its tough.

between work, school, studying and my various responsibilities with my volunteer jobs, i have been putting in about 60 solid hours a week. easily. maybe i'm just burning out, but i feel a little disappointed and discouraged if that is all my body can handle. 60 hours? that's it? maybe its because its split between doing thing i enjoy (hospital and clinic work) and things that i don't enjoy (school and work).i never feel tired while i am at the clinic or at the hospital (unless i'm watching a lap chole which have the distinction of being able to put me to sleep standing up).

in fact, i got a little worried because i've been unnaturally tired. i fall asleep just about every time i sit down. in class, on the train, at work, at the library. as previously mentioned, i even fall asleep standing up. barring the possibility of having been in contact with a tse tse fly, i figured,  i must have something wrong with me! i tried eating more protein, sleeping more during the night, waking up at the same time every day, eating more/eating less, caffeine pills. everything. people suggested i suffered from thyroid problems, mono, anemia, all sorts of possibility. medicine offered...nothing. there is nothing wrong with me. its "psychological" which in medical-ese means we can't find anything empirically wrong with you even though we only took a limited number of tests, so clearly the symptoms you feel must be psycho-somatic b/c medicine is always right. this is just more reinforcement as to why medicine is not the field for me. surgery on the other hand requires so much less of this half-assery. there is so much less grey involved.

alright, i'm done with my bitching i promise, aside from the school issues that i am working on, everything else is going well.

i am still loving being at the hospital. i've managed to maintain my once a week in the OR opportunity despite having class. although its only for a couple of hours, its definitely better than nothing. the ER has been exceedingly busy. not overwhemingly so, but just enough to make me actually work for the time i am there, which i enjoy. nothing too exciting has been coming in, just the usual chest pain, abdominal pain, shortness of breath, falls, lacerations, and random limb pain, but i do learn some stuff... more about the social dynamics of the ER than actual medicine but its something, and i love the patient interaction i do get to get.

the clinic is going incredibly well. i'm starting to gain a lot of responsibility which is good and bad. i ran a clinic alone a couple of weeks back which was both exciting and frightening. i don't get along very well with one of the other volunteers so she bailed on me which didn't surprise me. it would have surprised me more if she had been mature enough to put aside our differences and actually been responsible. so it was a little bit of a trail by fire since i was on my own to both triage the patients and run the front desk for about a half hour. i like pressure, and thankfully, it worked out well. once the doctors came in, and the necessary translators, we were done in about 2 hours. it was a flawless night. thankfully. even though i do not intend to open a practice, being a doctor does not just entail practicing medicine. it entails essentially running a business. for those doctors that do open practices, its about having a staff, advertising, insurance, billing, etc etc etc. in fact, the many successful doctors have gone back to get their MBAs. part of the allure of trauma surgery for me is the lack of all those things. i don't want to worry about a practice or an office or which patients to see. still, even then though, you are required to manage a staff, and deal with the ever increasing and ridiculously annoying paperwork involved. being a doctor is not just saving lives; its also dictating everything you did, writing it down, communicating what you did and what you want done to about 4 different people, maintaining charts, and getting everyone on board. of course there will be times when there are personality conflicts (like i have with the other volunteer), and i think this is especially true for women, but you just have to persevere. and i did. and i'm glad. 

alright well my cat is going crazy so i better pay attention to him... hope all is well with everyone still out there <3

i haven't done anything constructive in 4 days. aside from the ill fated supermarket trip on the 24th and 6 hours i spent in the ER yesterday (working, thankfully), i haven't left my house. two of those days were spent sickly, of course, but i have no excuse for the other two days. sheer laziness really.

last night i got an email from a friend letting me know that someone from my past got engaged. i really thought i would care. even just a little bit, but...nope. nothing. in fact, not caring was the only thing that actually bothered me. the plan was to go shopping to make me feel better about not caring. i was too lazy to do that. that's how much i cared. *shrug*

on a completely random and scary note, i had a super scary dream last night! weirdly scary. i had a dream that for some reason or another i had to have a hysterectomy o_O seriously?! i couldn't even made this shit up. in the dream, i was completely freaking out, and begging the dr to figure out an alternate treatment since i was only 27 (in the dream obviously since i'm not quite there yet). it was really freaky. perhaps i can tell the future through my dreams? i dont know but it was super weird.

so during these past 96 past days of indolence, i've been catching up on all the TV shows i missed. non-surprisingly, i am a fan of hospital dramas, but this year has definitely shown there is a wide range of quality when it comes to them. i don't watch hawthorn, rn or nurse jackie. i've heard bad things about both, and i'm not really interested in the premise of either. i'm still not caught up on grey's either ;__; its next on my list though!

anyway so the shows i caught up on were mercy and three rivers, and between the two they really cover the extremes of television.

on the positive end is mercy. the characters are flawed but interesting. the story is primarily about three nurses at a hospital in NJ. the first few episodes are chocked full of hilariously true jokes about NJ. just about everyone on the show can actually act, and make me actually give a damn. my biggest complaint is that the shows sometimes dropped a narrative string without ending it. there was a story about a korean guy who got shot during a burglury attempt that they were trying to save. in the end, the audience never finds out if the guy lives or not. meh. still a good show.

know what's not a good show? three rivers. in fact, the show is a complete waste. its never on at the right time so my DVR only taped half of it for 3 episodes. i still gave it 3 episodes though just to be fair. the show is about an organ transplant center in pittsburg. the show is predictable; in the 3 episodes i watched, the only people who died were the donors, and they all conveniently were simply brain dead. no one ever died on the table. apparently at three rivers, a cardiothoracic surgeon is needed to meet a helicopter with a patient with a broken leg on it. they also apparently copter dislocated shoulders in pittsburg. their sad attempts at being futuristic in their technology come off as cheesy and distracting. and all of those are the least of the problems. the acting is so BAD. it's so disingenuous, its laughable. they say "oh no. he's crashing. maybe i should do something to save him." with the same emotion i would put in a mcdonald's order with. actually with even less interest. overall, its just bad and a waste of time.

oh oh, BUT today, i found a new show on TLC called emergency: level 1. its filmed at vanderbilt hospital, and its pretty similar to trauma or code blue except filmed in this century. i'm excited. how am i expected to watch the same episodes of my favorite gruesome shows?

alright alright. my senseless babbling is over. time for even more sleep. hopefully with no scary dreams this time.